Slow Down...

It's hard isn't it? Being a parent I mean. Sometimes I think it's worse that I'm a mental health therapist AND a parent. Heck I even teach future social workers how to help people with the messes in this world. One would think this would be great right? I should know nearly everything about the right way to raise kids and maintain a healthy, vibrant marriage. I should know about proper attachment behaviors, effective discipline, appropriate words to say, when to say them, how often to encourage, re-direct, and what swear words to keep to myself (okay all swear words should be kept to myself).


We prayed for years to be able to have biological children and as we waited I just knew I would be a great mom. Now that I am one I have to admit that my insecurities and fears are sometimes overwhelming. I work with children and families every day that struggle with deep hurts. Parents struggle with addiction, anger, co-dependency, trauma, mental illness, emotional connection, divorce, and control. So many children carry hurts, fears, anxiety, depression, exposure to abuse and violence and the list goes on, and on, and on....


Not my kids though right? Not my family. It can't happen here. I know these things are out there so I can't let them happen. So I find myself making these checklists in my head: "secure attachment, affirming words, structured schedules, felt safety, body safety, emotional security and connection...."


But you know what? It's hard. It's really hard.  Last week I was making dinner and I was so pre-occupied with the twelve windows I had open on my computer, the three grilled cheese sandwiches I had burning on the stove, and my 8 month old nearly choking on his bib that I almost slammed by daughter's head in the fridge door after she insisted on getting some juice.


"Slow down Tara, just slow down." I said to myself.  


I need to learn to be at peace with myself. I need to be at peace with what I can and cannot control and with how patient I really am compared to how patient I think I should be. I want peace with how strong I am and how healthy I may or may not be. I need to realize that just because I know what the right response should be I still need to admit that I can't always carry it out. When I really feel peaceful, it's a deep down knowing of what's really going on inside.


Writing is good for me. It's an intentional time that allows me to slow down and listen to God's little whispers. It's a time for me to find peace in the midst of this chaotic, beautiful life.


I deserve that.


My family does too.